"Where is my love, where is my hope, where is my reason to live?"

Alright so...I have to talk about my life becuase I can't keep it inside me but none of my friends would understand me if i told them.

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Him.
First, why are guys all us girls seem to think about? Its frustrating yet...inevitable i guess. Ok so at this point in time, I am mad crushing on this guy. Let's call him Peter. Peter has liked me ever since sixth grade. He wasn't very good at hiding it haha. Up until eighth grade i found him very annoying. Well last year, my freshmen year in high school, we had two classes together. He started to chill out and i started to find him very attractive. Now this year, he even admitted to me that he liked me since forever and once when we were talking he even said he used to have the biggest crush on me. Of course...he had a girlfriend when he told me that. If only i was brave enough to tell him how I felt before he started dating her [why must i be such a coward...?]. I eventually told him how I felt about him becuase he kept talking about his girlfriend to me and I couldn't bear it. Who could? Ever since, we've been talking almost non-stop and his girlfriend now hates me becuase she thinks Peter is cheating on her with me. Nights are my favorite time to talk to him because he becomes a different person. Our talks turn deep at night. We talk about our feelings, life, and what's bugging us. I know it sounds corny but i love it. It's clear that he should be with me and not her for many reasons but he just doesn't see it. For one, I'm the only one that doesn't piss him off. I've only pissed him off once and that is just becuase i flipped out on him stupidly becuase I wasn't in a good mood. I apologized many times for that... On the otherhand, his girlfriend has pissed him off countless times and same with the rest of his friends. He always questions why this is. And also, his girlfriend is basically a whore. She keeps hitting on Peter's brother and the other day when she was talking to Peter, she said she was fucking this guy JT. Now I know that isn't true but that's just immature. He says he "has something against breaking up" but that's not really fair to his girlfriend now is it? But see..many times during those nighttime conversations he compares me and her and thinks out loud who would be better. That makes me feel like an object of some sort, it doesn't make me happy. And you see...I've opened up a lot with him. I talk to him about what I'm thinking and I always tell him the whole truth and I can't do that with my other friends. Me and Peter have become very close in the past couple months. He's always made it clear that he likes me more and I've always made it clear I dislike his girlfriend. But yesterday i logged onto myspace and I saw he changed his name to the date they started going out and that's when i started thinking. Wait, maybe I should have told you that during our conversations he always tells me he's stressed becuase of this whole situation and he doesn't know what to do and he always becomes frustrated. So now I'm thinking that maybe...I should leave him alone and I should try and forget about him and I should just let him live his life without me making it harder. I have no idea what to do so, if you're still reading could you please...give me some advice maybe?

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My "Friends"
As I mentioned earlier...I could never tell all this to my friends becuase well...they're shallow. It's so hard to find someone who will actually listen to you. How about I tell you about a few of my friends? My used-to-be bff, Deanna, and I have lately...not talked much. She was the only person I could really talk to about things. But now, I can't even talk to her becuase she's made new friends and hardly talks to me anymore. Another friend, Jamie, recently hurt me becuase she didn't tell me that she's not straight. Now, I understand that could be hard to tell people but that's not the case with her. I've heard she makes out with her girlfriend very openly during marching band. I had to hear this through my other friend Lexie becuase Lexie just couldn't keep it to herself becuase she was weirded out at first. She had to confide in someone. And also...her new girlfriend has changed Jamie a lot and neither me, Lexie or our friend Natalie like how she is changing. None of us think Jamie's girlfriend is right for her at all. But Natalie or I can't tell her becuase apparently Jamie doesn't even want us to know. And Lexie isn't gonna tell her becuase she doesn't wanna piss Jamie off. I just really don't have any friends to talk to about real things besides Peter. And considering I might let him be...that might not be for much longer.

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My Family
I've always had problems with my family. I've never exactly had a real conversation with them, they don't know what's going on in my life, and they really know nothing about me. I am the youngest of three and only the oldest really gets attention from my parents. And now recently, my mom and dad expect to change that and they try to talk to me, but after 10 years without every really talking to them...its sort of difficult to change that now. Also, its been about a year since i last hugged or kissed either one of them. Not fully my fault kay? Yea well now my mother wants to get me a therapist becuase I don't like to hug or kiss them. But can you blame me? After that long without it, its kind of akward changing that. So i guess really what I'm trying to say is that I am not close to my family at all. And my mother really pissed me off when she told me earlier that she wanted to get me a therapist to talk to.

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My Grades...
Yea so...my grades? Not good at all. I have an x in science, history, and english. I have a B in math though...but I guess tht doesn't really mean much compared to my other grades. Do any of you know how hard it is to change your daily routine? Everybody seems to think I can just start doing all my homework and get good grades overnight...Everybody keeps telling me how smart I am but how do they know? They don't know what my brain is like.... The truth is, I really don't know a lot of stuff. My geography skills are terrible; I still have to count on my fingers for simple math; and I'm one of those stupid people who have to sing the alphabet to themself to figure out where in the alphabet a letter goes. Do you guys say that smart people do that? I doubt it.

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My Point?
I guess what I'm getting to is that I'm feeling pretty low about my life right now. And to be honest...if I could get ahold of a gun...I would put it to my head and pull the trigger in a heartbeat...And you know, I often find myself thinking "who would cry if that were to happen?" Surely not my so-called friends becuase they have all made it clear how they feel about people who kill themselves [they think they're dumb and they deserve to die]. I like to think Peter would cry becuase we've gotten so close lately but I don't know. And my parents would but they would get over it soon enough. Who would miss me?

 

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Sincerely,
Wounded Heart